Marriage Advice Online

Is there something in your relationship that you dare not bring up, because every time you do it causes an argument? I like to call these such problems relationship hotspots. We can safely say that most visitors here at Marriage Advice Online have them in their marriage in some form or another.

Relationship hotspots vary from couple to couple. They can range from something as simple as the TV remote to the more serious such as financial issues, or pornography. Relationship hotspots are probably the most dangerous of all relationship problems. This is because they are always there lurking below the surface eating away causing resentment and hidden anger. They are also very threatening to your relationship, because they are usually brought up during arguments and quickly escalates the disagreement to critical levels.

There is only one way to deal with relationship hotspots and that is to face them head on. However; there is a right way and a wrong way to confront them. I am sure you are familiar with the wrong way, which is to bring it up in an argument or blurt it out when you are feeling angry or frustrated. The first step to dealing with them is identifying the problem.

Both you and your other half need to compile a list of what you both think are your relationship hotspots. I know it sounds clichéd to do this, but it is very important because by writing things down, you can make sure to get out all the things that are bothering you. It also lets you be as thorough as possible, because you can add to your list over a few days. Whenever an issue pops into your head write it down.

No matter how trivial you think it might be, or how you think it may affect your partner. You need to avoid words like  ‘you always’, and ‘you never’ when you are making your list. This is to stop you and your partner from becoming defensive when reading each other your list. Once a person goes into defensive mode it is difficult for them to listen with a rational mind.

The next step to deal with your relationship hotspots is to back up your list. What I mean by backing up is to put your feelings down. How does a particular hotspot make you feel? Does it make you, angry, sad, or frustrated? You may be surprised when you sit down and think about how things actually make you feel. You may even find you are removing things from your list, because when you sit and think about them they aren’t really that bad. Just make a note on your list of the particular emotion you feel with you think about that issue.  Once you have done this you are ready for step 3.

What you now need to do, is go through your list and pinpoint why you feel the emotions you feel. For example: you may have on your list that you don’t like it when your partner spends money without telling you. The emotion you may have put next to it is angry. In this step I want you to say why it makes you angry.

Does it make you feel your not an equal or unimportant? Does it make you feel uncertain about your financial future? Or did you have something planned for that money? Whatever the reason make a note next to your hotspot on your list. This step is important, because you can’t expect your partner to understand why you don’t want them to do something, if you don’t understand it yourself.

The final step is for you to both reveal your lists to each other. You can either swap lists and read them yourself, but I think it is more helpful if you take turns reading something from your own list.  This allows you to personalize and vocalize your feelings. Only do one thing on the list at a time and then give the other person a chance to respond.  It will then be their turn to read from their list. You don’t have to do all your hotspots in one sitting. It is probably best to limit yourself to just one or two a week. This is because it takes time for it all to sink in and may take some time to reach a compromise or resolve the issue.

Always end these sessions with something that you really appreciate  about the other one. Such as: “I know this was very hard to hear, but thank you for listening and trying to understand where I am coming from.”, or “I really like it when you ___________”

I know this is a really tough exercise to do, but it is really important if you want to resolve your relationship hotspots. The very best of luck to you both.

Related Info – How To Have a Happy Marriage

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